Written By: Shatiea Blount, LCSW-C
Have you seen the Netflix documentary, ‘In our Mother’s Gardens?’ I watched it recently and had a few insights that I’d like to share. There was a quote in the film that really made me sit and think. If you have two minutes… click the link above and watch the short clip before or after you read my thoughts.
“Self Care is a Privilege”
Hmmm, while I know this is true, hearing it while watching the documentary piqued my interest and encouraged me to think about it a bit more deeply on both philosophical and practical levels.
As a therapist whose work is centered on supporting the healing and thrivation (yes, I made up the word) of Black folks, conversations around self-care and boundaries are constant. Especially since many of my clients are caretakers in some capacity; I thought to myself, if self care is a privilege, I wonder if self care is hereditary…. like, is it passed down from generation to generation much like wealth?
A bazaar concept maybe? … but please follow me.
When we are children, we learn how to “be” from the adults in our lives. We absorb direct and indirect teachings on how to behave and interact with others. Hopefully, when we become an adult, we realize that our caregivers were just ordinary people figuring out how to live their lives and they may not have had it, “all together ” in the ways our childhood minds imagined. Nonetheless, we followed their lead and brought their lessons learned into adulthood because it is what we knew, and in most cases, it worked regardless of whether the behavior was mentally healthy or not. Many of us have learned how to suppress and compartmentalize emotions, push through challenging situations in silence, hold secrets of abuse, respect your elders at all costs, and swallow your trauma and press on. Some of us even refuse to name these experiences as trauma, for fear of shaming family members, disrupting family bonds, or staining the family’s reputation.
As harsh as this sounds, secrets, suppression, and compartmentalization are deeply protective functions our mind uses to keep us safe. They are the very behaviors that helped families survive harsh societal and economic conditions or maintain a certain community status while holding on to a modicum of joy.
So many folks learn to survive, and oftentimes survival and modern-day “self-care” seem to be opposing forces that cannot co-exist.
Survival IS passed down. I’m sure of that. In my experience, I’ve noticed that survival skills can be so embedded that folks are still surviving in moments where survival is not necessary and self-care may be the most appropriate next step in the healing process. However, the self-care aspect of survival hasn’t been passed down… most likely because the previous generation may have not had the privilege of reaching that point in the process.
This is why self-care is a radical and privileged stance, in my humble opinion. Radical because some folks did not inherit a self-care blueprint from their elders, so they are entering uncharted emotional territory. Privileged because prioritizing your needs, desires, and health was not afforded to the folks who taught us how to “be.” On a deeper level, sometimes the necessary tasks involved in self-care (not to be confused with self-soothing) can feel disrespectful to folks who dedicated their lives to teaching us how to survive because it requires us to erect boundaries with them. It may trigger a loyalty conflict requiring one to decide between keeping the family’s code of conduct for survival or behaving radically with a newfound privilege of self care.
To close out, typically I’d give some tips or thoughts about how to practice self-care. But not this time. I just want to encourage folks to reflect on their own self-care practices and notice what self-care or survival behaviors they may be passing down. What will the next generation inherit from you?
Don’t forget to look at the two-minute clip HERE.
Be Well,
Shatiea Blount, LCSW-C
P.S. Let me know what you think. As always, please feel free to like, share, or comment. I’m also posting on LinkedIn and Twitter @LetUsBeBlount, so please feel free to follow and connect with me there.
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