In my work, I have noticed a recurring pattern that many practitioners are afraid to address head-on. Clients walk into the room, sit on the couch, and they lie.

They lie about their habits. They lie about how they felt when a partner said that specific, cutting remark. They lie about whether they actually did the “homework” we discussed last week. If you are a Black queer professional used to navigating high-stakes environments, this tendency to self-protect is not a character flaw. It is a survival mechanism.

The Myth of Instant Vulnerability

There is a heavy expectation in the mental health world that the moment you hire a therapist, you should be an open book. We expect people to tell a complete stranger things they haven’t even whispered to their closest friends.

That is a massive weight to carry on your shoulders. For my Black queer clients, the outside world often demands a high level of performance. You have to be “on” to be safe. You have to curate your identity to be accepted. It makes perfect sense that those same defenses don’t just disappear because you signed a consent form and sat in a velvet chair.

Shame vs. Safety

When a client isn’t forthcoming about their experiences or how they spend their time, it usually stems from one of two places: shame or a lack of trust.

Shame is the result of how we have been taught to show up in the world to gain acceptance. If you’ve spent your life being told that your authentic self is “too much” or “not enough,” lying becomes a way to manage how people perceive you. In the therapy room, this looks like presenting the version of yourself you think I want to see, rather than the person who is actually struggling.

Building the Bridge to Authenticity

If I suspect a client is withholding the truth, I don’t view it as a betrayal of the therapeutic process. I view it as data. It tells me that the foundation of trust isn’t solid yet.

I often tell my clients directly: “You don’t really know me yet. You don’t trust me right now. That is okay.”

My goal is not to catch you in a lie or judge your choices. My hope is that as we continue to develop this relationship, we can move toward a space where you feel safe enough to drop the mask. Therapy only works when we are working with the real you, but I respect the time it takes for that person to show up.

Ready to start a conversation where you can finally be yourself? Schedule a free consultation with Dr. Walter Stamp. 

Article approved by Dr. Walter Stamp, PhD