Boundaries receive significant attention today—social media is saturated with posts about “protecting your peace” or “learning to say no”. Yet, we rarely discuss the emotional impact of being on the receiving end of a boundary.

Think about those moments: When someone who was always available suddenly tells you “no,” or when a person you regularly supported makes it clear they no longer want that guidance. When a consistent presence in your life decides to shift how they show up, sometimes without warning, those moments do not feel like tidy boundaries. They often land as rejection, distance, or even abandonment. And yet, frequently, they are still boundaries.

The Shock of the Unannounced Boundary

One of the most challenging aspects of boundaries is when they arrive unannounced. If we are not prepared for a change, or if we ourselves shift without giving others notice, the adjustment can be heavy. What was once familiar instantly becomes unfamiliar, forcing us to question our entire place in the relationship dynamic.

This experience is especially complicated in adult-to-adult, lateral relationships—dynamics that lack a built-in power differential (such as parent/child). In these lateral relationships, boundaries and abandonment can look “dangerously similar”.

Boundaries or Abandonment? It Starts with Your Lens

How do we distinguish between a boundary and true abandonment? The first step is examining our lens.

Too often, we confuse another person’s boundary with a judgment of our worth. For example, if you are known as “the strong friend” and your help or reliability is declined, it can sound like you are being declined.

But in reality, the other person may simply be choosing to navigate their life differently. Their “no” is about their personal needs, not about your inherent value.

The Work of Reframing Reality

Boundaries do not always necessitate walking away; sometimes, they create “new, healthier ways of relating” that honor the needs of both people.

To get there, we must take a step that is simple, yet not easy: Hold the behavior as neutral.

Start by stating the facts: “They said no with their words or behaviors” or “They don’t want advice right now”. From this place of neutrality, we can observe the meaning we wanted to attach to their “no” and actively “choose not to inflate the story further”. While this process doesn’t erase the sting of change, it substantially reduces the suffering that arises when we layer rejection on top of the actual reality.

Boundaries are often painful, particularly when they arrive without warning. But by examining the lens we use and holding the behavior as neutral, we can remain grounded while adjusting to the new shape of the relationship.

Written By: Dr. Shatiea Blount, LCSW-C